Grandma Crosby's Passing and Funeral

 

All of May, Mom had been in and out of the hospital for pain management.  They'd get it under control, send her home, only for the pain to return and intensify. That month, it was so hard being so far away; I couldn't do anything to help!  Every phone call I got, I was worried it would be bad news. During her last hospital stay, she asked dad if it was inappropriate to ask to be released from this life. Dad said no, and after getting settled at home, under the care of hospice staff that Sunday, surrounded by so many family members (Richie and I on a facetime call), Dad gave her a priesthood blessing, telling her that it would be hard, but her family would be ok, and that she could return home when she was ready.  Richie and I made plans to all head down as a family on Friday, so that everyone could say goodbye, and then I would stay down in SG and play things by ear. 

Tuesday, she had a rebound day! Many of her dear friends stopped by and spent time with her. They rubbed her feet and hands with lotion, read stories, laughed and talked about the good old days. 

Wednesday was my 38th birthday. I was up late that night; everyone in my house was asleep, and I was getting sleepy too. Then I got a text on the family group thread from Adrienne asking if anyone was awake. She said mom's breathing was worrying her and she didn't know what to do. No one from SG responded on the text thread and I started panicking! What could I do from so far away? I had a surge of energy, so I turned on MoTab while I sobbed and scrubbed dishes, waiting to hear from Adrienne if my mother had passed away on my birthday. Looking back, it seems very obvious to me that Mom was ready to pass on Wednesday. She wasn't able to communicate anymore at that point, but I'm sure that somewhere in her consciousness, she remembered it was my birthday and made a herculean effort to pull through for just a little while longer so that I wouldn't have to forever associate my birthday with her passing. 

The next day, Thursday, Richie and I went early in the morning to the Boise mall so that we could get a specific computer cord we needed before heading to SG the next day. I was depleted from all energy and everything seemed surreal. We had to pass some time in other stores waiting for our store to open, so we shopped for some clothes the kids needed. As we were wandering, Russ called me and asked when we were planning on coming. I told him we were leaving tomorrow morning, and would be there by the evening. I asked him if he thought that gave us enough time and he said yes.  Less than 30 minutes later, I was standing in the line with Richie at a Nordstrom Rack, fighting back tears and feeling like my legs were going to give out underneath me. I excused myself from the line to sit outside on a bench. As I exited the line, Russ called again and said, "Rach, I think you'd better come today." I said absolutely, we will get in the car in 30 minutes and head down and drive the 10 hours. He said, "No, I think you need to come immediately. We bought you a plane ticket and your plane leaves in 2 hours, can you make it?" 

Richie came out and saw me sobbing on the bench. I explained what Russ said, and he had to physically help me to the car while I cried. We started speeding back to Nampa, and less than 15 minutes after the last phone call with Russ, he called again. This time it was a facetime call. I knew what that meant. Mom was fading fast and it was time for me to say goodbye to her over the phone. We made it home, burst through the door, and Richie immediately set to work packing my bags, while I rushed to hand the kid's the phone and told them, "Grandma is passing away, you need to say goodbye now." They sobbed and said their goodbyes. I handed the phone to Richie as he tearfully told Mom thank you for accepting him into this family and he promised he would take good care of me.  She was still hanging on when we hung up. I recorded the kids singing "Que Sera" (one of mom's favs) to play for her later, then Richie drove me to the airport and dropped me off. 

Later I learned that when we had gotten off the phone with mom, her heart rate was dangerously low. She was teetering in between worlds. Then, Jenn told Mom, "Rach is getting on a plane right now mom! She'll be here tonight!" Mom was unresponsive, but her heart rate went right back up! A true miracle. She was in agonizing pain and I'm positive she wanted to move on, but even in this last moment of mortality, she kept giving of herself for her kids. She knew I'd be heartbroken if I didn't get to be there in person, so she mustered every ounce of grit, and held on. 

I made it to St. George around dinner time. When I walked in the door, almost all of the SG family was there! The spirit in the house was one of reverence and love. I wanted to stop to talk to everyone, but Jenn said nope, you need to get in there right now! The urgency in her voice scared me. It's like they knew mom was hanging on for me, and expected her to cross through the veil the second I touched her hands, but she didn't. When I eventually pass away, I would love it if a similar scene played out in my home. She had most of her kids and spouses, her husband of course, and many grandchildren in the home, sharing memories, laughing, crying, and just enjoying being together despite the heartbreak we were all feeling. It was truly holy. 

That night, as most people filtered out, we decided to take shifts with Mom, so that Dad wouldn't have to stay awake all night monitoring her. Adrienne and Jenn had already been spending long hours at the house caring for mom for weeks on end. I was touched when they told me that they had given mom and bath and used some of the soap I made so that I was there in spirit also.  We offered to let them sleep in their own beds that night, while Russ, Nat and I took the night shifts. I took the first, Natalie the second, and Russ the last. Mom made it all the way through the night.

I took over that Friday morning, the 26th, at about 9 am. I was alone with Mom for a sacred moment. I played "The Secret Garden" on my phone (a favorite of hers), and told her what a wonderful mother she has been while I rubbed her feet and hands with lotion, tried to sponge some water in her mouth, put chapstick on her lips, and brushed her hair. Eventually, Russ, Nat and Dad trickled in and we put the heart rate monitor back on her finger, ( I had taken it off to put lotion on) and found her heart to be pumping dangerously low. We called Jenn and Adrienne to come home. We gathered around Mom and Dad asked me to pray because he didn't think he could get through it. "Me??" I questioned through my tears. "Should I wait for the other girls?" And he said no, we should pray now. I tried the find the right words through tears, as I prayed my mom home. By the time my prayer ended, we couldn't find a pulse and we knew she has passed through the veil. So many tears, so much sorrow, and so much gratitude. Dad said he had been hoping it would be today, because the weather was so beautiful, he knew Mom would have loved it. 

Adrienne and Jenn arrived just minutes after her passing. They were obviously heartbroken to miss the transition, but took comfort in knowing they had been with her, serving her, for the last month. We called the hospice people and the people form the mortuary. The hospice nurse guided us in getting Mom's body ready to be taken away. This was one of the most tender moments of my life. We gave mom a sponge bath and put on fresh garments and nightgown. I was in charge of washing her face and neck. As I held her head and stroked her hair, I couldn't help but think of all the baths I'd given my babies and all the baths Mom gave me. How she would have tenderly used the clean corner of a washcloth to wipe my eyes, get behind my ears and make sure the water was warm. We lovingly and jokingly made sure she didn't have any stray chin hairs, because we knew she'd hate that. :) Made sure she was clean and smelled fresh and then they came and picked up her body. It was gut wrenching to watch them take her body away, and I just remember Jenn repeating "That's only her body, that's not Mom." 

We got to work writing her obituary and planning the funeral. Jenn and Adrienne and I went shopping for dresses to wear to the funeral and to get mom a fresh temple dress to be buried in.  I spent the next day or two with Dad before flying back up to Nampa. What a weird feeling it was that night to go through Dad's routine with him. Dad loves his routine. We watched shows downstairs, and then read books together in the living room upstairs. We prayed and then hugged, and I cried knowing he'd be alone in their bedroom. I stayed up late writing down my thoughts for the funeral and sobbing. I spent time in her art cottage tidying things up because I knew people would want to go inside and Mom wouldn't like it to be messy. While there I found a big stash of watercolors pictures Mom painted. We hung them up at the funeral in the "art room" where people could color pictures and then the grandkids could eventually pick a Grandma original to keep! I kept taking pictures of all of the evidences of Mom's last month or so earth- her paint pallet in the sink waiting to be washed out, her oil paints in the art cottage next to her "unfinished" picture of the tractor, her scriptures open and ready to go, a shopping list. 

I left on a plane for Boise that Sunday. One of the things that surprised me most about grief was how tired I was. It takes so much energy to feel your feelings! I stumbled through the week until we made the drive back to SG with the whole crew to attend the funeral. I will forever be grateful for people who brought food, who gave us gas money for the drive, who sent my kids with care packages to keep them busy on the ride down, who brought us water bottles and gum and tissues in the receiving line, who prayed for us, for friends who drove short and long distances to attend the funeral even if they didn't know my Mom super well, but just wanted to support me. People are so good! There was even a family in the ward there who spends half their time in SG that let us Garners use their home for free! We were worried Dad would feel overwhelmed with so many people in the house, and we would definitely crowd out any other family there. It was such a blessing to have our own space. 

Us girls were able to dress Mom at the mortuary and do her hair and makeup. We put her temple clothes on and I made sure the bow on the sash was all nice and fluffed, just like she taught me. Ben was finally able to join us. He had been running a study abroad in Greece, but was able to fly back for the funeral. 

I didn't get any pictures, but we displayed some of Mom's accomplishments and favorite things in the foyer. It was a lovely display. The funeral was very well attended, but there's no surprise there. I couldn't believe that I still had tears left! I didn't know I could cry so much. Just when I thought I had my emotions under control, Aunt Jean would walk into the viewing room, looking SO much like Mom that it was almost errie, and the tears would start anew. 

We tried to tie in red, because it was Mom's favorite color, and she also loved sunflowers, but I am still not happy with the flowers we chose. :) With all of these little funeral details, we kept saying, " I wish Mom could just tell us what to do! She would have made the right choice!" At the funeral, Dad spoke, Taysom gave the life sketch, all of the grandkids sang "Families Can Be Together Forever", and all 5 of us kids gave a short 5 minute talk. I feel like there was another musical number, but by now I've forgotten! I do specifically remember that the closing song was one of her favorites "How Firm a Foundation." 

Right after the viewing, as we cleaned things up, there was a gorgeous rainbow outside! We were all positive Mom put it in the sky just for us. How is there any other way to explain that? It's such a Mom thing to do! :) Us Garners made the long trek back up to Nampa and I cried and cried. Maybe it's because I never take the time to notice how long sunsets usually take, but the sunset as we were entering the treasure valley seemed to last forever! It was the first of many "heavenly hellos" I recognized that came from Mom.  In the coming months, I found Mom trying to send her love to me through heart shaped rocks and moths! I spent a lot of time "talking" to her on walks and when I was alone in the house and the car. That first year after her passing, I think I cried every day, which is saying something because I'm not typically a crier, but my emotions were always very close to the surface.  After a year or so, I was able to calm down a bit, but I still felt/feel Mom close by. I don't have any doubts that she is near and aware of us. I've called on her for help multiple times. Something that has been probably the most difficult to process is the fact that my youngest kids won't have memories of my Mother.  Her Dad, my Grandpa Hinckley, passed away when I was 6, and I don't have any of my own memories with him. When Mom passed, Miles was 14, Gwen was 12, Lindy was 9, Benson was almost 7, and Davy was 4. I'm hopeful that if I keep showing them pictures and videos, read her history with them, doing fun things on her birthday etc that they will keep a memory or two at the most, but at the least, understand what an amazing person they are descended from. 

I'm so grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ that allows our family to be together in the eternities if we live up to our covenants! I can't wait to give Mom a great big hug someday!