Baby #5

At some point after we had Lindy, I told Richie that I needed to be done at 4 kids. That I wasn't ready to be done with 3, but I think 4 would push me to my mental limit. He reluctantly agreed. After I said those words out-loud, I started getting mega promptings that our family needed to include 5 children. 5 KIDS??? Was Heavenly Father crazy?? What kind of insane idea was this? Even when I got pregnant with Benson, I tried again and again to push those promptings away. I'd try and think to myself, "Alright, this is the last time I'll have morning sickness." or "This is the last, first time I'll feel the baby kick." etc. And every time I had those thoughts, I'd get a quiet, but firm, "No."

Heavenly Father knows I process things slowly. So he knew he had to start working on me, with this whole 5 kids idea, a while ago. Once Benson hit that age where we would typically start thinking about getting pregnant again, things got real. We really had to think and pray on having another baby. I guess I should re-phrase that. I knew we were supposed to have another baby, period. I guess the praying and soul-searching was really me asking Heavenly Father to help me change my perspective and be ready for this next phase. Not that I'm not excited to have another sweet baby, I am! I'm just so tired, and I know exactly how much work this is all going to be. So jumping on board this time has taken more faith than ever.

We discussed waiting until the other kids were older to have a new baby, so that they would be more help. We talked about adopting because I had finally lost all of the pregnancy weight and I was not looking forward to being pregnant, the subsequent weight loss, and nursing that follows. We tried to look at it from all angles, but it became obvious that this last child needed to come now, and from us.

So here we are! I'm almost 10 weeks along. I realize that about 1 million things could still go wrong at this point, so I hesitate to "put it all out there" and risk eating my words later. Hopefully this doesn't jinx anything, but I feel very at peace about this pregnancy. After our 2 miscarriages, I was nervous all throughout Lindy and Benson's pregnancies. But this time around, I feel like it's all going to work out just fine. Fingers crossed. I still haven't gotten that giddy feeling that typically comes with the knowledge that in 9 months I'll be snuggling a sweet, new baby. Hopefully baby #5 never takes that as meaning we didn't want it. That's not true at all. I'm sure that giddy feeling will kick in at some point. It's just hard being pregnant, and caring for 4 other young children.

Since this is not my first rodeo, I'm a pro at understanding my symptoms and knowing what's coming next. At this point I'm ridiculously tired, and have a constant feelings of "gross-ness". I don't throw up, I just feel kind of sick all the time. I have an extreme lack of motivation. I don't want to do anything. Ever. I just want to sit and watch movies all day. This is problematic with 4 children to entertain and prepare for a new school year. I am forgetful. My dreams become crazy and very detailed-even more than normal! Sleep is already an issue. Not because I'm huge and uncomfortable yet, but something makes sleep less fulfilling. I don't like sweet things like normal, in fact sometimes chocolate etc makes me feel worse. Instead I crave food I don't normally want that's really bad for you, like a huge, greasy burger, or a stuffed crust pizza covered in sausage, or a bucket of fried chicken from KFC (yuck!). The only craving I feel ok about eating is the grilled cheese sandwiches Richie will make me on demand. Complete with a salty, dill pickle in the middle. That and orange juice, freshly squeezed please.

It's amazing how my body is ready for this. As soon as I realized I was pregnant, I could see changes in my body immediately. I feel like I'm already obviously showing, although most people probably interpret it as me gaining all that weight back. That's a tough challenge for me, I'm not gonna lie. But I've lost the weight before and I can lose it again. This time I'll lose it one last time, and never again!! My body knows what it's doing, and I find it miraculous how Heavenly Father has worked it all out. And I'm so grateful that my body is capable and healthy enough to do this.

Here's to another 30 weeks of pregnancy. Hopefully at some point my feelings will change from endurance and duty, to cherishing this last miraculous journey. I really want to take it all in and treasure every last little symptom and experience because I know this is the last, and it's the end of and era. And the beginning of a totally new dynamic for our family. But I feel a little guilty that those feelings haven't kicked in yet. Mostly I just want to get the baby here, and everything else in between is kind of a nuisance. I want to believe that when I deliver the baby, I'll have a twinge of sadness that this season of life is over, but really if I'm being honest, I think the happy tears I'll be crying will be from knowing that it's over!! I don't know. I guess we'll see.

Even with all of my whining in there, it needs to be made abundantly clear that we are so excited for this baby to get here and be a part of our family!! Miles obviously wants it to be a boy. The girls obviously want it to be a girl. Benson is clueless. I'm looking forward to the snuggles, and all of the sweet firsts, and trying to block out the non-stop crying and lack of sleep. :) Richie is only excited. C'mon February 28th!!!

(2 thoughts when I look at these pictures: 1. We need to repaint our door frame. 2. I can't believe I'm already this big at 10 weeks!! It makes me terrified to see what I will have transformed into by 40 weeks. YIKES)